Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Unifying Theory of Religion (U.T.R.)

Imagine for a second that every religion is right. There is a God. There is a Jesus. There is reincarnation. There is Allah. There is a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Religious Satire or a Cry for Help?

Ok, ok, You might say that is impossible, and dismiss it outright. But i have a theory for unifying all these different religions and concepts.

Now, for the sake of this argument I want you to imagine for a moment that you are dead. Yes. Dead.

I want to to think about the possibility, that you have already died, and are now living out your life in hell.

You did some bad shit and pissed off the wrong God and now you are in hell.

Yes... This is hell.

Everyone is the tool of your Torture and You are the tool of Everyone else's Torture.

The current imperfect world we believe we exist in, really is just one giant elaborate hell. We've all died, and gone to a centralized hell. Each of us are living (or we think we're living) our own little hell every second, of every day, until the moment we die (or think we die) in which we are reincarnated and brought back into this hell to be punished (and to punish others) all over again. Think about it. Who pisses you off the most. It's other people right. Just as soon as you get rid of one A**hole, there's another to take his place. That's cause those people come back to torture you. Just as much as you hate that person, there is another someone out there that hates you just as much, and you somehow wander into their life and ruin their day.

Using this Unifying Theory, i have an answer for everything and anything. You can ask me any question, and this theory can answer it.

So, you might ask me something like....

Q: Where do the people in this world go when they die then?
A: This is where reincarnation is stemmed from. This world is like a roach motel. Once the souls come in, they don't get out. Basically they are reincarnated   back into this world to run a brand new shitty pseudo-life with no recollection of their previous self. But the caveat is, the better person you are in this life  the more shitty your next life will be. The devil only likes people who are assholes. That's why every generation the old people  say "Things arn't as good as they used to be, the world is going to hell in a hand-basket".

Q: Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?
A: Because we're in hell. This is pure chaos, and the devil is writing the code for this Matrix-World of bat-shit crazy stuff. It's whatever he feels like at the time.

Q: Did you watch the Matrix too many times, and now you think this is the Matrix?
A: I think buried deep in the subconscious minds of all of us is the truth. Maybe that movie was just a part of some unconscious truth that everyone knows about already.

Q: Do you believe in Evolution, or Religion?
A: Yes! I think the reason this issue gets so much debate is that the devil keeps fucking with us and planting just enough false evidence to make us think everything is billions of years old, but deep down everyone knows religion is real.

Q: How is it that some people say they can talk to God, or that they hear Gods divine will?
A: They're bat shit crazy, liars, or they're really just hearing the Devil or maybe all of the above.

Q: So how about the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
A: the FSM is a parody religion, used to parallel Intelligent design arguments. It is sometimes thought to disprove god, but really the question is, why do so many people believe in religion if it's so obvious that no one is listening. It's because buried deep inside everyone is the truth that there WAS a God,  and we failed him, and maybe through repentance we'll be free from this hell. But the truth is it's too late, and there's nothing left except to hang out to the end of eternity.

Q: I'm a good person, and i go to church / practice religion / help the needy and so forth, surely i'm not in hell.
A: Too late mother fucker, you are in hell. You must of killed baby kittens and had sex with them or something in your real Life to have been reborn into such a twisted fuck. No one should know better than you what hell it is to be around so many other heathens. You probably ask yourself everyday why God just doesn't throw down the lightning rod and kill all the non believers. That's cause he's not running the show down here. And the devil is just lapping up your tears when you kneel and pray to god every night.

Ok, enough Q&A..

Basically, everything you can come up with, can be answered. Fuck, even magnets, universal expansion, gravity and the success of J.J. Abrams can be explained under this theory.

J.J. Abrams might actually be the Devil


Now you may say that the hell that you read about is all about eternal suffering. But really, do you think that the devil is just going to watch over you every second of your existence pulling out your pubes one by one. Of course not, he hates humans. The whole battle between God and Satan was over how God loved humans more than the Angels. Do you think the Devil wants to spend all
day hanging around the very things he hates (Even if it means torturing them). Isn't is easier (and funnier) to just create a Matrix-like world where all the souls can come into and just spread chaos and misinformation at every turn. 

Sure you might have pleasant days, and experiences that you consider fun, happy and wonderful. But the devil wants you to have those, so you have something to compare all the crappiness to.

Think about it for a bit.

Everyday when you wake up and you see cat vomit on the bed. When you take a shower and all the hot water is gone. You are driving to work and there is
always fucking traffic in your lane. That dumb bitch at work is always asking you for stupid reports that don't need to be ran. You go home and someone erased the championship game because they needed the space on the DVR for dancing with the stars. You go out to the BBQ and there is no fucking gas in the tank even though you know you filled it up last weekend.

It's like a thousand needles of shit sprinkling down on your life every moment, of every day.

Now you might even say, that's not that big of a deal compared to the starving children, the homeless, the people caught in natural disasters, and all the other poor people who have had great tragedies done to them, but it all comes down to the same thing. You are in hell. They are in hell. Everyone gets a taste of Hell. It's just who gets more of it than others.

This theory is more complex and deeper than one post can cover, but this should start you off with a new look on life (or pseudo-life). Sure you could run out and
start killing people and raping everything in sight, but when the cops gun you down in the street after a long car chase, you'll only be back. Plus, if you did that
you'd only be doing what the devil wants. Better to say fuck it, and sit back and accept things and just not give a fuck about all the bullshit.

There is no Keanu

3 comments:

  1. Even though we've sat around concocting this bullshit theory... now that I've read it... It's bullshit! I base this mainly on one reason... it's a fucking religion now that it's in print somewhere! I fucking hate it!

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  2. U.T.R. is here to stay man. We'll have to start Ordaining U.T.R. Priests to spread the Gospel! The hardest part is picking out the colors of our robes. I was thinking about using a rainbow to signify the unity of theories, but then people might just think we're Homos.

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  3. I'm callin' the crazy white fro!

    ReplyDelete