Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Unifying Theory of Religion (U.T.R.)

Imagine for a second that every religion is right. There is a God. There is a Jesus. There is reincarnation. There is Allah. There is a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Religious Satire or a Cry for Help?

Ok, ok, You might say that is impossible, and dismiss it outright. But i have a theory for unifying all these different religions and concepts.

Now, for the sake of this argument I want you to imagine for a moment that you are dead. Yes. Dead.

I want to to think about the possibility, that you have already died, and are now living out your life in hell.

You did some bad shit and pissed off the wrong God and now you are in hell.

Yes... This is hell.

Everyone is the tool of your Torture and You are the tool of Everyone else's Torture.

The current imperfect world we believe we exist in, really is just one giant elaborate hell. We've all died, and gone to a centralized hell. Each of us are living (or we think we're living) our own little hell every second, of every day, until the moment we die (or think we die) in which we are reincarnated and brought back into this hell to be punished (and to punish others) all over again. Think about it. Who pisses you off the most. It's other people right. Just as soon as you get rid of one A**hole, there's another to take his place. That's cause those people come back to torture you. Just as much as you hate that person, there is another someone out there that hates you just as much, and you somehow wander into their life and ruin their day.

Using this Unifying Theory, i have an answer for everything and anything. You can ask me any question, and this theory can answer it.

So, you might ask me something like....

Q: Where do the people in this world go when they die then?
A: This is where reincarnation is stemmed from. This world is like a roach motel. Once the souls come in, they don't get out. Basically they are reincarnated   back into this world to run a brand new shitty pseudo-life with no recollection of their previous self. But the caveat is, the better person you are in this life  the more shitty your next life will be. The devil only likes people who are assholes. That's why every generation the old people  say "Things arn't as good as they used to be, the world is going to hell in a hand-basket".

Q: Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?
A: Because we're in hell. This is pure chaos, and the devil is writing the code for this Matrix-World of bat-shit crazy stuff. It's whatever he feels like at the time.

Q: Did you watch the Matrix too many times, and now you think this is the Matrix?
A: I think buried deep in the subconscious minds of all of us is the truth. Maybe that movie was just a part of some unconscious truth that everyone knows about already.

Q: Do you believe in Evolution, or Religion?
A: Yes! I think the reason this issue gets so much debate is that the devil keeps fucking with us and planting just enough false evidence to make us think everything is billions of years old, but deep down everyone knows religion is real.

Q: How is it that some people say they can talk to God, or that they hear Gods divine will?
A: They're bat shit crazy, liars, or they're really just hearing the Devil or maybe all of the above.

Q: So how about the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
A: the FSM is a parody religion, used to parallel Intelligent design arguments. It is sometimes thought to disprove god, but really the question is, why do so many people believe in religion if it's so obvious that no one is listening. It's because buried deep inside everyone is the truth that there WAS a God,  and we failed him, and maybe through repentance we'll be free from this hell. But the truth is it's too late, and there's nothing left except to hang out to the end of eternity.

Q: I'm a good person, and i go to church / practice religion / help the needy and so forth, surely i'm not in hell.
A: Too late mother fucker, you are in hell. You must of killed baby kittens and had sex with them or something in your real Life to have been reborn into such a twisted fuck. No one should know better than you what hell it is to be around so many other heathens. You probably ask yourself everyday why God just doesn't throw down the lightning rod and kill all the non believers. That's cause he's not running the show down here. And the devil is just lapping up your tears when you kneel and pray to god every night.

Ok, enough Q&A..

Basically, everything you can come up with, can be answered. Fuck, even magnets, universal expansion, gravity and the success of J.J. Abrams can be explained under this theory.

J.J. Abrams might actually be the Devil

Now you may say that the hell that you read about is all about eternal suffering. But really, do you think that the devil is just going to watch over you every second of your existence pulling out your pubes one by one. Of course not, he hates humans. The whole battle between God and Satan was over how God loved humans more than the Angels. Do you think the Devil wants to spend all
day hanging around the very things he hates (Even if it means torturing them). Isn't is easier (and funnier) to just create a Matrix-like world where all the souls can come into and just spread chaos and misinformation at every turn. 

Sure you might have pleasant days, and experiences that you consider fun, happy and wonderful. But the devil wants you to have those, so you have something to compare all the crappiness to.

Think about it for a bit.

Everyday when you wake up and you see cat vomit on the bed. When you take a shower and all the hot water is gone. You are driving to work and there is
always fucking traffic in your lane. That dumb bitch at work is always asking you for stupid reports that don't need to be ran. You go home and someone erased the championship game because they needed the space on the DVR for dancing with the stars. You go out to the BBQ and there is no fucking gas in the tank even though you know you filled it up last weekend.

It's like a thousand needles of shit sprinkling down on your life every moment, of every day.

Now you might even say, that's not that big of a deal compared to the starving children, the homeless, the people caught in natural disasters, and all the other poor people who have had great tragedies done to them, but it all comes down to the same thing. You are in hell. They are in hell. Everyone gets a taste of Hell. It's just who gets more of it than others.

This theory is more complex and deeper than one post can cover, but this should start you off with a new look on life (or pseudo-life). Sure you could run out and
start killing people and raping everything in sight, but when the cops gun you down in the street after a long car chase, you'll only be back. Plus, if you did that
you'd only be doing what the devil wants. Better to say fuck it, and sit back and accept things and just not give a fuck about all the bullshit.

There is no Keanu

Monday, July 11, 2011

Oasis Hot/Cold Water Cooler - A simple device to drive you insane.

I normally wouldn't think something so inocculous like a water cooler would be the end of me, but i guess one never really knows what will be the thing to push them over the edge. In reality, i really shouldn't concern myself over such a consumerist, luxury item that i probably don't even need. As i reflect on my experience with purchasing this product, i now know what made me so upset. It wasn't the product itself, or the long wait to finally receive it, but the let down from the expectations that i had for it. Now my hatred is such, that i feel compelled to write about how terrible this product, and my experience ordering it was.

Yes, it fucking looked like that.
It was around the beginning of May 2011 when i was at work, and decided to have some coffee. It's not something I drink often, but on that day I was feeling a little sluggish, and really needed that pick me up. I used the hot water dispenser that we have in our office, and was happily shocked to find that the water that came out was basically boiling. I'm not someone who likes luke-warm water. I either like it freezing cold, or boiling hot. So this was a pleasant surprise. I was able to make some instant coffee, and it was piping hot. It was coffee bliss.

After having such a wonderfully simple treat, i thought about my own water cooler at home. I had a pretty nice one i had gotten from Lowes about 3 years ago, which was coincidentally was starting to have problems. It was leaking very slowly. Not really a big deal, but enough to see a puddle on the floor after a few days. It had a "cold" side, but it did not have a "hot" side. So it was then i decided that i wanted a new cooler. I called up my water supplier, and found out that they only have white hot/cold water coolers, and that if i wanted a black/stainless one that they would have to special order it, and i'd have to pay a premium fee every month for it.. upwards around 20 dollars a month, AND it would take them 6 weeks to arrive. It didn't take long for me to realize it'd be cheaper and faster to just buy one myself (or so i thought).

I went to Lowes, and Home Depot, and several other stores, and just couldn't find the perfect water cooler that had all the looks, style, and capabilities and color i was looking for. I started to search around the web, and i eventually came across the Oasis site, and saw the water cooler i wanted.

It was glorious.

It was also really fucking expensive. Depending on where you got it, you could be looking upwards of $320 dollars after shipping and tax. So when i found it on Amazon, i had to jump on that deal.

Little did i know what lie ahead for me. So i place my order May 12, and shipping was expected to be 2 days. I went on with my life, happily. Now... i know i don't have the best memory, so of course a week or two had gone by, and i remembered the water cooler, and wondered where it was. I looked up the tracking information, and i could see it had my correct address, but it had been travelling in the opposite direction of where i lived. I live on the west coast, and last tracking showed it in Virginia. WTF. I emailed the store that shipped it, to see if they could get in contact with fedex, and correct the shipping. But alas, they said they couldn't do anything, and that i just had to wait. Another couple weeks roll on by, and i'm opening cases with Amazon left and right, and finally, when it looks like i'm about to get refunded, it arrives. Great.. I open it up, and find that there are no instructions, no registration card, nothing.. just the water cooler. Not even all that well packed. The box itself looked like it had been humped by an elephant.

Remnants from Elephant Love Relations.

The cooler was intact though, so i set it up, and because i had previous experience, i knew to rinse it out with warm water and vinegar.
I go to assemble it finally, and realize it's missing a component (the splashguard) that was supposed to help prevent water from slopping all over the place when you replaced the bottle. I again have to talk to the shop that sent the package, and the lady doesnt' even know what part i'm talking about. She needed me to tell her the part #, so i look it up on google, and tell her. I think they went and bought it, and had it shipped from the Oasis company to me.

So after another few days, i was able to finally put everything together, and have some water. At this point, i'm going to let my amazon review do the talking (pictures added for emphasis):

I bought this cooler on May 11, 2011, and didn't receive if until 5 weeks later. "Tool Hardware Shop" was fast to respond to my emails, but did nothing to resolve the issue, and offered no apologies or sorry's for a package lost in shipping. When i finally did receive it, it did not have the waterguard which was originally stated in the description as having. Anyway, now that i've been using the product for a few months, i can tell you that this thing is SUPER LOUD.. like a monkey banging on some garbage can lids. 

My old water cooler had a refrigerated part, but not a hot part. So i thought this would be a nice replacement, and it's one of the few that had both hot/cold and stainless design. Unfortunately this product is just terrible. It's so loud, period. The good looks and function of this product are totally ruined by the clunker noises coming from this thing. This things engine is like the jalopy of water dispensers. 

Actual Scared kitten.
 My cats get spooked every time it kicks in to starts cooling, the knocking is so loud from this thing, it's like we're getting raided by the FBI every time the motor starts up. Also, there is tons of condensation on the inside of the bottle. Bottom line is.. if you are deaf, then this is an alright product for you. But if you have any kind of hearing left, this product is way too loud. I can hear it from upstairs in my room with the door closed. The hot water is ok, and so is the cold water. The other drawback is that the ports are kinda short, so my ice trays have a hard time getting under it. I guess my old water cooler was better designed. I just really hate getting a white one, but it seems like i'm going to be stuck doing so. Stay away from this product, and this company.

Sounds like this.

so now, i feel like i spent so much money on this thing, the manufacturer won't do anything about it, and i'm pretty much stuck with it now..... the constant.... clanging... clunking... driving me... slowly........ mad...

I'm not quite sure, but sometimes i can hear the sounds of a thousand
 screams coming from the water cooler. Then i realize... it's coming from me.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Haircuts and Head Massages?

Ok, so I've gone to the same barber since I was 5 years old, and recently he passed away, and the shop closed. So sure i kinda feel bad that he's dead, but really i'm more pissed that i have to alter my life just because someone decides it's time to up and die on me. Of course i hate change, and i know that the process of finding another barber is going to be both gruelling and infuriating. So i procrastinate as long as i can, until my head starts to feel like I'm wearing a wool hat full time. So my arduous journey begins....

So first thing we have to get clear is, that I want a Barber Shop. Not a Beauty salon, or a place where they cut both men and women's hair, but an old fashioned Barber Shop, where it's dominated by old men reading newspapers and talking about sports.

Well surprisingly I find just a place nearby, and i proceed to get my hair cut. So as I'm getting my hair cut, everything seems fine, except near the end, when I think the barber is about to be finished, he up and outs starts to massage my head. At this point I'm suffering a bit of SHOCK AND AWE, and basically just confused as to what the fuck is going on here. After a few minutes of head throbbing massage, he stops and brushes away the hair, and takes the smock off me. I then proceed to pay the bill, and leave, all the while still in utter shock of what just occurred. Did I just get head raped, i had to ask myself...

Well, another couple months roll by, and i decide not to go to that place, and i try out another barber shop, and low and behold... the same shit happens again. It's like that fucking old Ashton Kutcher show where i expect him to jump out yelling i've been pranked. Except no one does jump out. And i walk out feeling like i should of at least been taken out to dinner before being head fondled.

It turns out that these head massages are the new rage in barber circles. I guess it started with some crazy people in India and now it's all over the place.

Well, now it looks like i'm relegated to cutting my own hair, and wearing a hat for the rest of my life.

here are some vids: